I have always fallen short of the expectations I had for myself, and now I’m ready to change that. My entire life I’ve struggled to meet my own expectations, other people’s expectations and even God’s expectations (or what I thought the Creator of the Universe expected of me.) Failed attempts litter my past and for some reason lately, those failures have begun to haunt me. I’ve recently wallowed in regret of all the times I’ve wasted being selfish, naïve, contrary, rebellious, stupid, head-strong, drunk, careless, self-centered and self-defeating. I have hurt so many people throughout my sorted past, but I’ve inflicted the deepest pain upon myself…then and now. However, I’m ready to pack away all the hurtful memories, remorse, guilt and shame then put it all where it belongs…behind me! Even though I am forgiven for the sins of the past, they seem to bully their way back into my consciousness, spending far too much hurtful time there. I can’t extinguish those events or memories but I can diffuse the negative emotions they carry. I actually don’t want to forget anything of my former self or life, because I’ve learned so much from the experiences; I just don’t want to hurt from that knowledge anymore. It’s not productive to be weighted down with the past and all the grief it holds. Yes, my failures are a part of me, they helped form the person I ultimately am, however, those negative things don’t define me. Let my past remain and exist, but from this point forward, it will NOT determine who I am now or where I’m headed.
Redefine and Reconstruct
Putting my “old self” behind me and making personal changes doesn’t mean erasing my former self and starting from scratch. However, “redefining myself” does mean a thorough self-evaluation of what positive changes need to be made. I want to be redefined consciously, not be defined by a stream of ignorant accidents and hurtful events. It will be a task to determine what changes are necessary in my life and within myself. Some aspects of my being need to be deconstructed before reconstruction can even begin and there are other parts of me that I want to completely extract from my being. To achieve recovery I have to deal with addictions, obsessions, grief, weaknesses, unforgiveness, hang-ups, stereotyping, sadness, unresolved anger and I’m sure there’s more. Rebuilding is a process and a progression. Actually, there are some virtuous parts of me, so I don’t want a complete personality overhaul to the point that my true character is no longer seen. I want to preserve the good and even quirky aspects of myself that make me unique; I’m simply seeking to enhance and improve those.
Be Your Best
My ultimate goal in this process is to lay the grief down and become “whole.” I want to finally live in freedom; to be the best version of myself and to live my best life. Now I know that my “best” will vary and continue to grow and change. I also know I will not always exemplify my “best” in every moment. However, there is something deep down in each of us that truly knows what we want from life and who we want to be; I’m striving for that. It’s not a perfect person I’m seeking to be, but a strong, moral, forgiving, loving, good and helpful person. I know that’s in me. I pray I’ll be empowered to live in “my best” each day for my benefit and the benefit of others. Take time to think about that. Do you need to leave the past behind and put your energy toward being the best you can be? With some soul searching, healing and changing, I believe every person striving toward their “best” will make valuable differences for themselves and the world around them.