I think of myself as an “encourager.” I truly want to help people be optimistic and see the positive side of a situation; I try to instill hope in everyday life. However, I realized recently that I am not always strong, or even optimistic; sometimes I’m downright negative. This felt like failure to me, an unacceptable flaw, to be weak, confused and completely overwhelmed, but there are times when tears come at a steady pace and I progressively feel worse in my grief. I have felt alone while surrounded by family and friends. I have been afraid, although in a secure environment. I have experienced depression, though my blessings were abundant. This negativity also brought feelings of guilt, which only exacerbated my despair. Why do I feel this way? I thought I was doing better? How could my emotions flip around like this? How could I feel so empty and numb at times? I am a complete “whyer”, not a whiner, but a why-er. I always have this deep need to know how something works or why something happened. Always. I usually exhaust myself in search of the “truth” or at least some sort of resolution. In this particular situation of feeling lost and sad, I decided to let the “whys” go. I can spend way too much time diving into these questions, which rarely provide an adequate answer. So, I let it go… at least in this situation. No more “whys.” I’m going to accept there are going to be days that are overwhelming and don’t make much sense; just plain ole sad days. As a “recovering griever,” we need to know these days will come. We are all trying to overcome pain or grief of some kind, and although we may make great strides in our progression…some days just suck.
From Negative to Positive
There are friends and family members that try to encourage me during these difficult times. They try to assure me that the extremely hard times will pass and my strength will return. At the time they speak their optimism, I secretly say to myself, “yea, yea…whatever.” I do appreciate the fact they’re there for me, and they care, but there are times I just can’t share in the optimism. That’s okay. I realize it’s okay to feel like this at times; I even release the guilt that comes with it. However, I don’t ever want to allow myself to stay in that place for an extended time; I want to avoid “depression.” I try to accept there will be difficult times that push me back a bit; I experience negative emotions and difficulties. Then, I pick myself up and move forward seeking the strength to return to my faith in brighter days and a positive outlook.
In my deepest grief, or just a really crappy day, I realize my Creator also cares about me and how I feel. Just when I think I’m too confused to make a rational decision or too weak to face another painful day; He sends help to me through the words of a friend, a hug from a loved one, the feeling of His presence, or He reminds me of a perfect scripture. Last time I was feeling so lost, I remembered these words that gave me comfort; Psalm 30:5 “…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Thank you Jesus! We are not exempt from suffering; painful experiences will come. However, there is a hope of a stronger tomorrow. I still woke the next day with the same oppositions and trials, but I had an improved attitude and strength so I could approach those situations more effectively. I was also able to see my blessings more clearly and appreciate the good that surrounds me. Supernatural support is priceless and is always available.